Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

I hear you, the way you speak to your children, Lucy and Henry.
You speak to them, not at them. You put yourselves
in their shoes, stepping
into their perspective
"You really like picking flowers"
inviting them to choose respectfully
"It's considerate to ask someone before you
pick their flowers"
hearing, listening to them as your equals
"But Dad, these flowers are dead..."
"It's still important to ask, Lucy"
and she asks
and the dance goes on.

You give them so much space
to be themselves
to be
the perfection that is
every child
and then, when they insist
on firmer boundaries
you aren't afraid of honoring that request too.
"Alright, then you need to spend some time
in your room"
which I also hear as a way to honor yourself
when you've given all you can.

I'm over here in the house next door
my daughter half the age of your young son
admiring you
soaking it in
grateful to see loving and clear
communication alive and well
between parents and children
feeling affirmed and supported in my own
parenting journey.

The love that you give to your children
is changing the world. It is
landing on me and it is landing
on my daughter.

Thank you,

Jessica

To my Light Girl

My dearest darling Lusa,

This morning as I held you, your heart stopped beating. The vet gave you a sedative so you'd be really relaxed and I held you, cried and kissed your sweet soft fur, and she returned with the euthanasia injection that ended your life as we know it. 

I know you came to me from Light. I can't remember if I had your name picked out before I found you but I knew I wanted a very smart dog, one that was medium sized, one who would teach me how to find "play" in my life. I had struggled with feeling I didn't play enough in life and felt I wanted a dog who would remind me to play. I gave you a name I made up, Lusa -- Light Girl -- and later found out the root of "lus" actually comes from "play" in Latin. 

We had many long days of play in our years together. From the early days at Upper Butte Creek with Chris Trowbridge when I could still hold you in one hand and you'd fall asleep on my belly rafter tiring out learning how to swim... to the days spent with Don's dog Gus on the river dock diving or canoeing... and at the beach in Baja, endless sand play with our friend-and-dog tribe... to our time in Chico on bike rides in your own special Burley trailer, because once you were about 8 years old you could run for about a mile before you'd get wiped out and "load up" in the trailer I pulled with my bike… to the way you greeted me when I returned from India after being gone a month and I whistled your special whistle and you came running and wiggling around the corner like a firecracker on a ranch… to the days we spent living in San Diego and frolicking on the beach in such pleasant sunshine… to our last road trip together, the one we took before Helena came because I knew we'd want one last road trip together, just me and you, before the baby came.  

Gosh, I am so thankful that when I was with an ex and he didn't didn't like you and I tried to give you herbal doggie downers to calm *you* down, I eventually realized you weren't the problem; my relationship with him was. Thank *god* I didn't let you go back then. We had far too many wonderful times to share after that. You weren't a problem. You just wanted to play, to dance in the sand, to answer my commands. You were giving me clear signals I'd hear if I listened. 

I was your job. 

Life started shifting a lot in 2011 when Hjalmar came into our world. He had Rosco and I had you and we were both deeply devoted to our dogs. With Rosco, our pack felt complete. You tried to keep me for yourself in some ways, snarling at Rosco when he'd come near me for affection, trying to cut him out of my path, letting him know you were Alpha dog. And you were. But then a couple weeks ago I noticed that dynamic start to shift. I sensed he wasn't playing the same role with you and I wondered about it… Were you feeling OK? Were you depressed?

Then last week one day I looked at you and you looked skinny. Not just depression skinny… because that, perhaps, could pass now that Helena was growing less delicate and fussy on walks… but sick skinny. So I took you to the vet and sure enough, you had liver and spleen cancer. 

Had I felt you still had years to live, I might have considered surgery. But Lulu Bird, as we both know, we had been having conversations about your life, and how long you would stay. There was such a dramatic shift when Mama had a baby, it was like all of a sudden you weren't my #1 baby girl anymore, after almost 14 years. This hurt for both of us. And the new baby clung to my chest all day long. You felt the huge transition. It would never be the same for us. I would never be able to guarantee to take you out every morning for leash-free time in Lower Park to heel me, sniff and swim. I would not be able to take you with me on errands and bike rides as much as before, on days when often my top priority was to get you out to play... was your well being. Now Mama had a human baby and she became my top responsibility. 

You could feel the beauty, and that we wanted her in our lives. So you didn't protest or ever express dismay at the baby, but you definitely knew life was different now. It wasn't as fun as before, and one day when Mama was tired I even got upset with you and shoved you back in the cottage when you tried to get out. I feel horrible about that Lusa. I'm sorry. You must have felt so abandoned and, in that moment, unloved. 

Yet overall, my girl, you lived an extraordinary life with me. I weaved my world around you, taking you everywhere I could, prioritizing your well being often more than I prioritized my own, working from home with you at my feet, arranging for friends to take you out on hikes and walks when we were in Sweden, feeding you really good food. 

But the most beautiful thing about us is that I knew you were perfect. Queensland Heelers are a special working breed. You are bred to herd cattle. You're one of the smartest dog breeds and that's mostly why I got you, why I chose *you* out of all the dog breeds in the world… I wanted a dog I could deeply connect with, so intelligent you wanted to constantly learn from me, have me train you, communicate with me often and well. You were all of this. Highly trainable, pretty well trained, and only pesky when you wanted someone's attention and your DNA told you to nip their ankles to get it. 

Someone once suggested I train that out of you. That's like trying to train a chicken not to lay eggs. I loved you 100% and I liked you 100%. The people who don't like Heelers or didn't like you were like water off my back. I couldn't care less... What. So. Ever. You were perfect exactly as you were. 

Somewhere in my spiritual awareness I know we are not our bodies; we are Love. We are thought, walking around in physical form appearing to have an experience. But right now my baby Pesa, my Louie Bird, I feel so sad that your body is no longer with me. I can only begin to fathom being as loving to others as you were to me, as present to serve, as open to joy, as constant… here for me… here for me… here for me. I liked my life with you in it. I don't want to go to the park without you. 

Today your heart stopped beating as I held you in my arms. Baby girl, our years have been my favorite years. Our love has been my favorite love. And you will always be my perfect, favorite Lusa love. 

Thank you forever~

Mama

To my baby girl on Mother's Day

Dear Helena Beam,

I had no idea
Well maybe a distant sense
Of what "in love" meant
Before you arrived

I'd heard parents and teachers
"Invest in the children"
If only we did, they said, we'd have such a brighter world

I'd felt blissed-out delight
While dancing in the sand
Or to Michael Jackson in my living room
Felt that infinite wonder feeling
That "anything is possible" feeling
An echo of a beautiful world inside my chest and bones
A world babies are born knowing

You smile when you sleep
In between breaths, a dream
Surfaces joy on your face
It lights up even with your eyes closed
You know this world of freedom
Rainbows and ripe peaches
Ribbons in the sky

And as I watch you
I become devotion itself
Here on Earth for only one purpose
To love you
To see to it that
When you stir in the night
You don't need to scream and sob to be heard
When your belly senses hunger
You open your mouth to find just what you need
When you open your eyes
There is light there to greet you
And your ears
They aren't troubled by loud noises and voices
And your skin
Feels the decadence of my love for you with every single touch
No hurry, no forcing, if I can instead be 
calm and allowing, following your 
natural rhythms rather than
The fabricated speed of life 
forced fast
For an economy that doesn't even 
make life better anyway

I'm not fooled by the claims
That say I should "toughen you up"
Does the wind toughen up flowers or
Simply blow with them?

I am here to love you
Not by the book
But by heart

So I see now
it starts with the children
I see that in a loving world
Every moment of a human life
From baby emerging, into
Every patience generating moment after the next

We are, at our best, here to create
A world where children thrive

In this world, my inner child thrives too
And the innocence thrown away
By so many adults is
Reclaimed, as wounds heal
Regrets dissolve
Watermelons fill the fields
Of summer mouths

Here, in our living room
Your warm face rests on my chest
Your body curls around me
Tuning into Mama's drum beat heart
And you know
Little one
That you've made me a mother
And that I can never stop thanking you
And that the oceans must grow deeper now
To make room for all this love I feel

Mama

Dear Baby-to-Be

Dear Baby-to-Be,

It's past noon and your daddy and I are still
in bed. When I woke up and asked myself,
"What would make me happy right now?"
I got inspired to set up our baby registry for you.
You'll emerge in just three months and
we are all blissed out
imagining life with you.

As soon as your daddy woke up he made me
hot tea of raspberry leaf and nettle
both super-power-pregnancy plants.
His bike outside beckoning in full view
from our bedside French doors, he is perfectly content
instead right by my side

imagining life with you.  

Pure wool baby blankets
organic cotton rompers with tug boat
flower and mushroom prints
luxurious chamomile and almond oil baby cream
glass baby bottles for when Mama's not around to feed you
and because we'll keep on doing our best to
love ourselves really well
while you're in my womb and when you come out
prenatal and postnatal massages for both of us.
You move a lot when Mama gets massaged.
It's like you're saying,
"Good job Mama! You loving you is good for me too."

We'll be riding bikes together through the
sycamores and oaks of Bidwell Park
beside the rushing creek, beneath the wings of songbirds.
Your daddy found the baby bike seat he likes and now
he's cooking us breakfast.
Baby, it just cracks me up. It's like a movie sometimes.
Every day with him, I still think I'm dreaming.

We are already so in love with you.

Love,
Mama

Corporate Surprise

Dear Sports Car Driver Guy,

It was one of those moments when I set aside my
"I only drink coffee from independent coffeehouses"
cappuccino connoisseur hat and
pulled into the drive-thru at Starbucks

Dogs in the back of the station wagon
ready for our morning hike
I pulled in for a little
they call it tall
foamy vanilla latte
then almost pulled right out
poorly planned parking lot
cars all mashed in a line
some stuck in their spots until
some other drive-thru caffeine fiend
budged

You were parked
trying to reverse and, I thought, leave.
So I reversed, freeing up some car claustrophobia
making space for you but instead
you pulled into the line
right in front of me.

I didn't care, I totally didn't care, and for a second
I wondered why until I remembered
I was headed for a hike with my
two marvelous dogs
I have a baby growing inside my
healthy womb
I have a world class partner and our town has
a phenomenal farmer's market and
my family and friends really, really love me and
even when I'm broke I feel rich in the most important ways
what on Earth was there to be bothered about?

You revved up your sporty engine every time you
advanced in the line.
I snickered and pulled out my ATM card knowing
even when I'm low on dough, it is always
worth spending my last few bucks on coffee.

The perky girl at the window handed me my coffee
with a lid, which I removed as I always do
I can't stand plastic between me and my coffee
and she said
"The guy in front of you
bought your drink today."

A Safe and Friendly Universe

Dear Bike Nerd,

I was having lunch with a friend and his baby boy
crunchy Romaine and thin sliced red onions
in the shade until the sun moved
heavy on my shoulders
pushing us back
out into the day again

My creamy key lime commuter bike Felicia
rested steady on the sidewalk
locked up, graceful
awaiting another spin in the June breeze

You left a note on my handlebar
must have stood admiring
her rear internal hub
or her fine whispering hue
her way of moving you even
as she stands
motionless

Yes I ought to replace those pedals soon.
But if I had done so already,
I might've missed your
cafe sleeve reminder that we live
in a safe and
friendly universe

Thank you,
Jessica

Dear Med, the Mother of my Love, on Your Birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday and you 
across the globe in Sweden
are on our minds.
I haven't met you yet but you are celebrated
every day in our home
I can see your face in your son's face
gentle, noble 
lines of a life rich with feeling and smiles.


On our wall in black and white photos
you hold him on a sailboat
a comforting mother and
her infant whose yawn looks the same 39 years later.


As we celebrate your birthday
5,200 miles away
I want to share with you what
I imagine would be 
some of the best words a mother
could hear, things you already know
but still land with softness and light your day.


Your son is as kind and thoughtful, as loving and honest,
as playful and open-minded, as accepting and sweet
as free-spirited, patient, and confident
as I imagine a man could be. 
He rides his bike every day, he makes music and 
teaches himself new things, he cooks beautiful food
for us, often in celebration of his native land
juniper berries ... elk meatballs.
He loves his dog and mine, our home, 
and has influenced me to switch 
from daily coffee to daily tea.
I've met no one who knows him well and doesn't find him
to be one of the most wonderful people alive. 

Hjalmar Carl Henrik Hake, May 2012

For all the love you've shown him 
all his life, 
for the respect he has for women 
which surely
has a lot to do with you
for the safety you instilled in him 
as a baby
and beyond
I am in gratitude and celebration 
for you.


Happy Birthday Med!


Love,
Jessica